Truth be told, I had a harder time with Leah Lived Day this year than I have in the past.
I woke up to a bladder spasm. Basically my bladder was unhappy for some reason, so I peed the bed. Although bladder spasms are never fun, for some reason it felt like a particularly insulting way to start this particular day. It was a reminder that I was paralyzed and there is nothing I can do about it.
When bladder issues come up, I get anxious and depressed. They can sometimes signal deeper, more troublesome issues going on. It makes me wonder how many years I have left.
Before WWII, the average life expectancy past a spinal cord injury was only 3 years.
Thankfully, with antibiotics and better wheelchair cushioning, (depending on age) that number now stretches into 30+ years. In the past 6 years, I’ve had a few close calls – if it weren’t for antibiotics, I wouldn’t be typing this.
[A wonderful man I knew who was a quadriplegic died recently at the age of 83. Incredible and it gives me such hope! (If you want to read an aaaamazing obituary, here it is.)]
Back to my feelings about Leah Lived Day #6. It held more grief than I would have liked. I kept reminding myself that no feeling is wrong. I could be grateful, but I could also give room to the grief as well.
So often I go about my day in a way that is, although inconvenient, something I have gotten used to.
But my injury hit me differently this year on LLD. I went to bed sobbing. I wanted to be grateful and joyful, but there was a sadness too. I have lost a easy relationship with my body. Being in constant pain is taxing.
But I have no choice. The only choice I have is how I combat the pain.
We started Tiny and Snail a year before I became paralyzed. We had been building our liferaft and didn’t know it.
This business offers me a way to make sense of my suffering. It allows me to process the events and feelings as we do life, and use it as a way to help others.
And it’s connected us with AMAZING customers. 😍
In an effort to redirect my sobbing, I found a meditation on the Calm app. It was a meditation about acknowledging your grief, but then finding people to be grateful for.
My mind landed on our Tiny and Snail community, and that was the thing that allowed me to fall asleep.
I’m not telling you any of this for pity. I’m telling you because I think often my optimism rises to the top, and online things can appear rather rosey. It’s not all roses and rainbows though, and that makes our cards what they are: an ode to BOTH the highs and the lows of life. The human experience contains it all, and I just happen to have been given a front row seat to the extremes; this now tumbles into every piece of art I create.
August 30 happens to be Grief Awareness Day.
Grief is defined by the loss of something or someone.
Whether someone lost a pet, a child, partner or parent (recently or years ago), someone has lost their good health…the list of reasons we grieve are endless. (Here’s a good web page about grief from the Cleveland Clinic. Worth a read!)
I thought it would be interesting to share our grief in the blog comments. If you wish to remain anonymous, you can. I think sharing our grief and knowing other people grieve too can make us feel less alone.
I am also a big believer in taking a few minutes to acknowledge other people’s grief with a handwritten note. I hope you take a few minutes this week to write a note to someone you know is hurting. It’s one of the most important ways we can help make this life a little easier for each other.
If you are in the middle of grief, I hope you feel me squeezing your hand across the miles.
P.S. A couple of the cards from the recent Kindred Spirits Collection are especially helpful for acknowledging grief:
20 comments
I’m new (today) to your site. What is LLD? And, I can’t afford your package of 16, do you sell in stores? I’m in northern Colorado. Live, live your work. Stay strong💕
I really appreciated this post. Last week was one of the longest and most heartbreaking of my life. I volunteer in cat rescue and my family likes to joke with me that there’s no telling how many or which cats are in my house at any given time. I take in strays and people in my life know that so they also reach out when THEY find strays. Recently I had 10 foster kittens for 3 months, while the very full rescues had space open up. A week ago one rapidly declined, I took her to the vet and she tested positive for pan leukopenia, a very contagious and very deadly virus (especially for kittens). Its fatality rate is 90%. The vet recommended euthanasia based on how far along she was. There is no treatment. Even with thousands of dollars of supportive care, it’s not likely they survive. It caught me so off guard- I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak. I took her body home to bury and waited on eggshells to see if anyone else would get sick. Over the next few days, 6 more kittens died. One in my arms, and he other 5 I woke up to find. There was just so much death, and innocent, unnecessary death at that. I had not been in a great mental health space before this happened – have struggled with depression and my anti-depressant is no longer effective. But you know when you think you’re at rock bottom and then you find out it has a basement? That was my last week. I buried 7 tiny bodies in my backyard. I’m not sure when I showered or ate. That was all a blur. I cried myself to sleep, and bed was my favorite place to be. I took off 3 days of work. Of my original 10 kittens, I have 3 that survived (for now) and seem to be healthy (knock on wood). I had obviously experienced grief before but never in such a compounded, dense way wherein I felt at least partly responsible. As much as I wanted to JUST grieve the ones that died, I was also frantically sanitizing and caring for the few survivors. I know that was a depressing story but I just appreciate the space to be able to share it.
Just want to post for the many of us who I know read and treasure your words, even if most weeks we don’t respond directly. I am grateful for your creativity and honesty and insight.
Thank you for sharing so eloquently about how we get burnt to the ground – and also the many ways we rise from the ashes. Sending you so much love on LLD and beyond. xo
Dear Leah, Thank you for being honest on how you feel. So many times we try to be so positive and optimistic but that’s not real. I am still happy you were with Grace and family and that probably was harder on you because you are use to your own home and surroundings. Hey it’s ok to have pity party’s as the song goes it’s my party and I will cry if I want to! Love your cards and I shared via email that I sent 4 cards to my friends and celebrated Leah love day!!! Xoxo 🩵